She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
