Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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