oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
