I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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