I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
