My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
