my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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