I'm drive I can fine osifer
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
