Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
