I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
