I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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