nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm at about main and main street
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
