remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
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