i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
