I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize