My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
