I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
