I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
