And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I look better un-naked...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Randomize
