totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
