Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
