I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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