Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
