Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
