I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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