Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
