i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
