I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
