If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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