I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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