I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
