I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
