the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
