I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
