My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
