we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
