I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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