My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
