you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
