Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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