i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
