Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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