Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You pole danced in your parka.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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