i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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