just tell him i said nine months
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
