I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize