i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
