Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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