some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
