if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
