You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
