This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
