So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
