That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
