I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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