it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
is that a dick in a sweater?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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