At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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