Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
