I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
false alarm, still single
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
