HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
